Confucius Says:

Confucius say, "A constipated man does not give a crap."
Confucius say, "Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."
Confucius say, "Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ."
Confucius say, "Man with hand in pocket is feeling cocky all day."
Confucius say, "Man with tool in woman's mouth is not necessarily a dentist."
Confucius say, "Man who drops watch in toliet, bound to have shitty time."
Confucius say, "Man who run in front of car, get tired. Man who run behind car, get exhausted."
Confucius say, "Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk."
Confucius say, "Man who sit on toilet is high on pot."

And my favorite:
Confucius say, "Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finger."

I have no clue why I find the last one so funny. Maybe because it's has happened to me? But then again I sometimes am accused of farting then smelling it. Who knows?

I know one thing is certain. Mine doesnt stink